Holes

I have decided to be more social.

My roommate and I realized that we were spending our weekend nights eating takeout and watching movies in separate bedrooms in the same house. Pathetic. So we tried to branch out, to hang out with people in our neighborhood and ward. Turns out that if people don't know you, they are less likely to include you in their activities.

I have been in the ward since June and have practically gone out of my way NOT to meet people. Why? Well, one reason is that at the first, I was dating him. I wanted to dedicate all my time to him. I was living with Audrey who was all the friend I needed. I was happy and I was reveling in it. Then, I wasn't dating him. So I spent my free time clinging to Audrey and avoiding people who would ask questions or ask me out. I was unhappy and dwelling on it. After that, I was finally talking to him again. Audrey was getting ready to move and I wanted to spend all the time with her that I could. I was in a wonderful/horrible kind of limbo.

After Christmas I saw him. His eyes were blank. We spent all the time we could together and he took care of me when I needed him, but he would do that for anyone. I felt like an obligation. He said once that he would always love me, but love changes. I guess I didn't realize that it could change that much. I had hoped ever since August that it was the distance that kept us apart. But sitting next to him in December, I could tell it was over and there was no going back. I was so embarrassed.

There was a scene a couple of weeks ago on Studio 60 where Harriet discovered that she and Matt never really "broke up". They just changed the structure of their relationship. They weren't dating each other, but they didn't date anyone else either. They just kept themselves on ice because they didn't know how to really end it. That's what I have done. And because of that, I have hidden myself in a hole away from the world pretending that I don't need them.

But now I plan activities in advance and I won't cancel just because he calls. I'm not cutting contact, I'm just cutting back. And I am going on a date tonight. I have friends at church and at school now. I have a breadfriend (which is more than a friend because there is bread involved). I'm starting to feel like I'm part of a community of real people again.

Tomorrow I am going to the zoo. I invited my ward to come along. I hope some of them show.

When I told Heather I was going to the zoo to see Misha she asked if Misha would remember me. I told her it might be best if she didn't. "The way Misha shows affection leaves you with a hole in your stomach. Kind of like what a boy does. Only this way you get morphine."

I guess the point of this ramble is that the latest hole seems to have healed and I think I'm almost ready to risk it again.